Final Fantasy VII and my Father
So, I’m not sure where to start with this, but I know what I want to talk about.
This is about how my father and Final Fantasy VII managed to influence me immensely in my life, not because of any individual characteristics, but because of how two events coincided in such a way that I cannot separate the two.
In 1997, I was about 12 years old, and my father and mother were divorced. I generally lived with mom 90% of the time, spending occasional weekends and random days with my dad instead. For this reason, time with my dad was special and sacred to me; I hardly got to see him and he was THE important male figure in my life. My mother had gotten remarried, but my dad was still in my life and as such, I had great respect and love for him.
Around the end of 1997, maybe the beginning of 1998, my father had me for a weekend, and he heard me talk about how “Mom got me an N64 for Christmas! It’s really cool, but she won’t let me bring it over to show you dad. She says you’ll keep it or something. I just really want to show you though. You always got me the Nintendo systems, it isn’t fair.”
It was at this point that my father had made a peculiar face; it was like he was mad, but not quite. I’m not sure what went through his mind that day. The next day, however, I suddenly found myself in the truck with dad, going to Funcoland. Y’all might know the place by its current name, GameStop.
See, I guess dad felt bad about the things I was saying, so we pulled into the lot and he said, “Danny, we’re going to get you a Playstation for my house then. If you have the N64 at your mom’s, then you’ll have the Playstation at mine.” I was ELATED, and by the end of our shopping experience, I had walked out with a brand-new Playstation, a copy of Tomb Raider II and Final Fantasy 7. The only thing I didn’t have was a memory card.
So, without a memory card, for about a month, every time I was at my dad’s house I would just play bits of Tomb Raider II, and the first couple hours of Final Fantasy 7. Just over, and over, and over again. With Tomb Raider, I got bored pretty quickly, and found myself just doing the Croft Manor, locking the butler in the freezer over and over.
With Final Fantasy 7, however, I would take as long as I could in the first reactor, grinding levels with Cloud and Barret, fighting the Guard Scorpion, waiting until the last second to escape, and then escaping from the city by train. I would play that sequence every weekend, over and over again.
This wasn’t my first Final Fantasy, nor my first RPG, but it was the first game and system my father bought just for me, just because. He had even set up the system in his spare room, so I wouldn’t be bothered by my stepmother or my half-sister, and I could just play it as long as I want. It took him a while to realize I needed a memory card to really enjoy these games though.
Cut to my mother’s house. There I was, a 12 year old boy, telling my mother about how “Dad got me a Playstation! It’s great, so now I don’t have to worry about sharing. I play the N64 stuff here, and the Playstation stuff there, and so you don’t need to worry about me losing anything, mom!” Instead of a pleased reaction like I was expecting, I instead got something far worse.
My mother turned beet red, and started to SCREAM in my face, “Your FATHER doesn’t love you! He bought you a Playstation? For what? What reason? You don’t need another game system! He’s just TRYING to BUY your love. He doesn’t care about you, Danny! It’s just a trick! Your dad doesn’t wanna be a dad, just a friend, and spend money on you to make you like him!”
That very same night, I wound up with my mother at the local toy store, as she purchased a Playstation and a memory card, because she wouldn’t dare let my dad outplay her. I hated her for that. It made everything feel so ugly, and it only made me latch onto my dad even more. The Playstation, FF7, him watching the cutscenes with me… it was OUR thing.
Cut to 23 years later.
I hadn’t talked to my dad in a while. Our relationship had grown strained, and I had gone through some… interesting moments in life. My father wasn’t exactly a part of that.
Over the years, my relationship with my mother degraded to non-speaking terms, and my father had become an addict, living in squalor and barely responding to my phone calls and texts. My dad wasn’t a bad person, but he was an addict, and it had taken hold of his life. I so desperately wanted to pull him away from that, though. I wanted to help my father, any way I could.
That’s when I found out that the Final Fantasy 7 Remake was coming out, officially. Not only that, it was due to be released around my birthday, in April! I was so excited; I had a plan, you see. I was going to invite my dad over for my birthday, and sit him down, and recount the story of how he bought me my first Playstation system, and one of the best games that ever came out on it. I would tell him that he was in for a real surprise, and boot up the FF7Remake on my PS4 Pro for him. He would’ve been shocked, and maybe, just maybe, it would’ve touched him somewhere deep. He’d remember way back when with me, and how important I was to him then. Something, anything. Just a way to reconnect with my dad, over a fond memory and a new retelling of it.
March 2nd, the demo for FF7R dropped, and I played it for a hot minute. It was exactly like when I was a kid, going through the initial bombing mission and up to the first Mako Reactor exploding. This was exciting, because it just recalled those memories for me, not having the memory card and playing it over and over again. I couldn’t wait to hear back from dad and set up a date to bring him over.
March 6th.
I was at work, almost done for the day.
I got a phone call suddenly.
I didn’t look, I just answered with my bluetooth. I said “Hello?” and got no response. I repeated myself twice, and then I heard a gasp and the phone hung up.
Confused, I reached into my pocket and looked.
-Ended call with: Dad-
That’s weird, I thought. He probably had something to say but got embarrassed cuz he knows I’m at work.
A few minutes later, my phone rings again. I check it this time. It’s my uncle, dad’s older brother. I answer, “Hello?”
“Heyyyyy Danny. Uh… are you sitting right now?”
“No, no, I’m at work. What’s up?”
There’s an incredibly long pause… or maybe it was just a moment, but it felt like forever. Then he spoke again.
“…it’s your father. He, uh. He’s dead.”
I immediately clocked out for the day and rushed home, having a panic attack over it.
What do you mean, he’s dead? What on EARTH do you mean?!
Over the next few days, I stayed home, a bit out of sorts. My dad was only 59, and this was the beginning of the pandemic. I thought, “Oh god did he get Covid?”
But no.
My father died from a heroin and Xanax overdose. The phone call I had gotten was from a junkie that was sleeping with him. My heart was broken and my spirit ruined.
I didn’t want to remember my dad that way. I found myself regressing, thinking of when I was younger. Spending days with my dad, fishing, and playing video games, and going for rides on his motorcycle. I refused to believe what happened to him. I just wanted to go back and see my dad again, and hear him marvel at the cool looking graphics on the fancy new game system. To hear him say “Wow, Danny, this isn’t a movie?” at the beginning of FF7.
I couldn’t talk to my wife right without crying. I couldn’t speak to my daughter. I was completely overwhelmed. So I did the only thing I could think of.
I loaded up the FF7R demo, and played it. Over, and over, and over again. Just like when I was 12. Just like when my father would stand next to me and marvel at how cool it looked. I didn’t have a memory card, and no save file from back then. So all I had was this moment, reliving it, on repeat.
A day passed, and my wife finally pulled me out of it, trying to comfort me. Within months, I was back to ‘normal’, working like usual, trying my best to keep my home afloat, the usual stuff.
I was an emotional wreck though. I played through FF7R in April immediately, and I cried almost the entire time. I couldn’t separate my father’s death from this game. It was a testament to my good memories of him, a legacy of how I honored him, in some bizarre way.
However, things changed. They got better.
A year later now, on June 10th, FF7R Intergrade is releasing on the PS5. I already have it ready to download, and I’m excited to jump in. I’ve gotten over my father’s death; I’ve accepted it. Much like a certain spoiler, I knew I was never going to get him back, and I had to just move on and keep living. I wasn’t crying anymore.
I think to myself, maybe there was a lesson in this for me. I mean, think of it this way.
The original FF7 was a pretty good game, and I already had my fond memories of it, beating it, completing it, enjoying it. When FF7R was announced, I thought it was going to be an overhaul, but basically the same.
It isn’t though, is it? It’s a retelling, a new way to look at the story. It’s moving on from a story that was already told, and moving into unknown territory. The familiar is now strange and new, and there’s a bit of fear and excitement for what’s to come next. Much like with the acceptance of my father’s death, I accepted these changes in the FF7 story. I didn’t need to replay that first mission over and over again; I could move forward with excitement and eagerness. I had to move on without guidance.
I may not have been able to show my dad the new FF7R, and hypothetically reconnect with him. I wasn’t able to bring that moment together, but that’s okay.
I’m still here, and now, I can relive those moments again, but from a fresh perspective. A new story, a new direction. I can share it with my daughter, and my new family now. Share my excitement.
With FF7R Intergrade coming out soon, I’m looking forward to replaying it all over again, but without the sad memories attached. I’m going to fully enjoy the experience this time, with all the extra enhancements to go along with it.
I know my dad would be happy for me, and think “This looks so crazy, Danny”, just like back in 1997/8. I can’t wait to see what happens next now, both in the game, and in my life. New things await me in both, and I know I’m going to be blown away with what comes next.
Thanks, dad. I’ll always love you.
